A little something for the feminists

Just in case any of my feministy buddies stop by, I can't lose all my hard earned internet cred. So here's a little limerick for us. I had to play a little with the time-tested format, which I really don't like doing. But I think it's worth it for the intricate plot twists that develop from it. Plus, I think you can really identify with the protagonist in this one.

I call Limerick #4:

"Ovaries of Doom"

A physicist was in a solarium
She wanted radioactive ovarium
Bombarded bismuth with iron
And soon she was tryin
To implant new ones made of Meitnerium

I'm sure you agree with me on the plot twists now. You read the first two lines and think "Solarium? Radioactive ovarium? I know this old song and dance. It's all about the seaborgium." But then: bam! Meitnerium comin' atcha.

Fun Feminist/Physicist Fact! Meitnerium was named after a female physicist named Lise Meitner. To this day, it is not known (by me) whether or not radioactive ovary implants had any connection to her death.

Getting the lead out!

I really needed a mental break after "mercury" taxed me so. I'm really not looking forward to finding an arsenal of words ending in "ium." Really, scientists. A little forsight, please? If you could toss in a few extra elements, that say, rhyme with "poo" or "butt," I'd appreciate it. No one will notice. Just start it off with a "U" and say it's horribly unstable but it was like, totally there. I'll buy it.

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy this while I can, so up next we have lead!

But first, it's time for a FUN Fact about Lead Testicles! They'd probably kill you.

Moving on to Limerick #3! This one's called:

"Apparently, There's a City Named Moosehead"

There once was a man from Moosehead
Whose balls were made out of lead
And when he would jump
He'd often hear 'thump'
As inertia sent them to his head.

I'm pretty proud of this one. It has a certain simplicity that I like. Plus, the mental image of a man getting face-thwacked by his own lead pair is pretty hilarious. I hope you agree.

Gettin' ballsier

Now that we've conquered steel, I think it's time to really go balls-to-the-wall. The obvious choice is mercury. It's a challenge, sure, but who doesn't find the prospect of mercury balls to be hilarious? No one. No one I'm interested in knowing, anyway.

And now, I give you Limerick #2:

"My God, It's Hard to Rhyme With Temperature"

There once was a man from Glastonbury
Whose balls were made of mercury
Wore an armature
For room temperature
Created a very gooey injury.

I'm still not completely happy with this one. I really felt like mercury deserved a great limerick and I'm just not sure I delivered. I think the obvious triumph here was in working a room temperature, liquid ball joke into the rhyme, but it just doesn't flow. The limerick, I mean.

Any suggestions are appreciated!

An amateur's attempt

The Flav and I decided to start out with something simple. I mean, you can't just jump from brass balls to Molybdenum balls right away! You need a transition metal! (Oh! Little joke there! Molybdenum is classified as a transition metal! Just a little chem humor! Look for it periodically throughout the blog! Oh, god. I slay myself.)

Anyway. We started off with steel. I know, I know. You came here for Bismuth and you're given steel. I'm disappointed in myself too. But be patient. Bismuth will come in due time.

So- without further delay, I give you Limerick #1, which I've lovingly titled:

"Feelin' the Steel."

There once was a man from Mobile
Whose balls were made out of steel
And when he would sit
He'd let a few rip
But the clacking would always conceal.

Feedback appreciated! Please limit your comments to the finer points- imagery, alliteration, fart jokes... High brow posters only, thanks.

Balls of...?

Everyone's heard the tragic tale of the man from Madras and his severe medical complications. For those of you unfamiliar with the case, I'll quote the famous limerick based on his struggles, which is believed to have originated from a scholarly medical text of the early 1900s. Of course, I heard it from one of the Leprochaun movies, I think. Maybe a drunk frat boy. Regardless, it's still a timely warning for those amongst us who suffer the same cruel fate.

There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made of brass
And in stormy weather
They'd clang together
And sparks would fly out of his ass.

But what about other ball compositions? Surely brass isn't the only way to go. Some 75% of the periodic table is comprised of metals!

So my friend, The Flavinator, and I were talking. I don't know if it has been attempted before. I don't know if it's possible. But, god as my witness, I have taken it upon myself, with his help, to write a limerick for every metal in the periodic table. This blog is dedicated to that task.